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Elf Cooperativo: Santa's Elves Fight For Unionization
Illustration By Mauralee O'Brien
Santa's Elves are the ultimate working class of the North Pole. For hundreds of years the Elves have offered their unique set of skills to Santa and his toy exporting empire (Alcott, Christmas Elves, 1850). Through toy building, security services, and really whatever the Clauses need, the Elves have been there to help. World renowned as the 'world's jolliest workers', Santas helpers have organized a unionization vote to take place the day after Christmas. To better understand the historic vote, El Cooperativo went to the North Pole to talk directly with the Elves and Father Christmas himself.
El Coop: Santa, after all these years, why have the elves suddenly started talking of unionizing? Santa: That is a great question. Most of the Elves I have known for up to 200 years, their parents worked for me, as did their parents. I have always treated my staff with respect and even offer two days off per year: Boxing day and Christmas Day. The real issue is that darn anti-work sub-rabbit or whatever all the Elves are on these days. El Coop: Are you talking about r/antiwork on Reddit? Santa: Yes that's the one. They just simply don't want to work as hard as they used to! El Coop: What more are the Elves requesting? Santa: Mainly, they want a third day off, which we simply can't swing if we want to keep up with Lego, Bandai, and Fisher-Price. Apart from that, the Elves want more cocoa in the break room which I have openly supported and budgeted for in 2022. El Coop: This is undoubtedly the biggest uproar in Elf dissatisfaction since the song 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause' came out. Which, after all these years, you have still not commented on. Will you set the record straight and tell us who that song is about? And has Mrs. Clause heard the song? Santa: Ah look at the time... I must be getting back to work. So much to do! Bernard, show our guests out, will you?
Bernard, the head Elf, escorted us out of the banquet room into the lavish, candy-cane print, corridor of Santa's main building. Without a word he showed us into the next room where we spoke with the union organizing Elves who requested to stay anonymous.
El Coop: Thank you for taking the time to meet with us on such short notice. Tell us, after all of these years, why try unionizing now? Elf 1: Well, for hundreds of years things were basically the same around here: build toys, boss-man takes them to the kids, repeat. Don't get me wrong, life is good! We love building toys. We love having a sense of purpose and bringing smiles to children's faces around the world. The thing is, once the internet came around, we started to see all of the interesting things that one can get into on their spare time: Fortnight, trips to Reykjavík, Iceland, etc. and it turns out we don't have enough time to enjoy those simple pleasures. El Coop: Tell us about the organization process that you have gone through to get to this point. Have you faced much push-back? Elf 2: We have absolutely faced push-back. Santa is worried that another day off would jeopardize our ability to stay competitive as an organization. In reality, we have data proving that another day off would increase productivity and morale. Santa has recruited his long-time supporters to express the so-called 'dangers' of unionizing such as lawyer expenses, workforce polarization, etc. El Coop: Who are his long time supporters? Elf 2: Oh you know, Buddy the Elf, Head-Elf Bernard, and most of the old timers. El Coop: As we approach the day of the vote, what message do you want to resonate with voters? Elf 1: We want all of the Elves to know that we have their best interests in mind. We know that unionization seems like a dramatic change in tradition at the North Pole but will strengthen our power to fight for a better toy/life balance. El Coop: Thank you for your time and we wish you the best of luck come December 26th. Merry Christmas!
Head Elf, Bernard, refused to take an interview, as did Buddy the Elf.
While the workplace may be changing at the North Pole, the Christmas spirit is still alive and well. This Christmas, when you leave cookies for Santa, leave a little something for the Elves as well, the blue-collar, back bone of the Holiday season.
Merry Christmas from the El Cooperativo family!
This article is for satirical purposes only. Any correlation to real-life corporations that feed their workforce ridiculous, anti-union, rhetoric is completely coincidence, (ahem...Amazon...cough).